Best Silicon Valley quotes

Silicon Valley is Mike Judge and Alec Berg’s biting comedy about the American tech industry, now in its fourth season. Every week, we’ll be taking one idea, scene, or joke and explain how it ties to the real Silicon Valley and speaks to an issue at the heart of the industry and its everlasting goal to change the world — and make boatloads of money in the process.


On what makes a good startup

Elrich: "Show come promise... like Nip Alert... It gives you the location of a woman with erect nipples... That's what people want."


On improving the planet

Goolybib founder: "Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you. 'I love Goolybib's integrated- multi-platform-functionality!' Yeah! Whoo!... ! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barak Obama, I turned to these guys and said, ok, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place. Through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility."


On the success of others

Bighead: "Fucking Goolybib, man. Those guys build a mediocre piece of software that might be worth something someday, and now they live here. Money flying all over Silicon Valley but none of it ever seems to hit us."


On PR bullshittery

Gavin Belson: "Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli... Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it, making the world a better place through minimal message-oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness."


On local people

Gavin Belson: "It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Asian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group."


Best response to a pitch of the week

Erlich: "I know what binary is. Jesus Christ! I memorised the hexadecimal times tables when I was 14 writing machine code, okay? Ask me what 9 times F is. It's fleventyfive. I don't need you telling me what binary is, just like I don't need you thinking about soup or taking pictures of it."


Pitch of the week

Unnamed pitcher: "Bit Soup, like alphabet soup but ones and zeros instead of the letters. Cause binary... Binary is ones and zeros."


On heroes

Richard: "Jobs was a poser. He didn't even write code."


On Asperger's dating options

Dinesh: "Holy shit, this one is looking for a ‘relationship that has the potential to become sexual in nature'... Boy, is she on the spectrum. She can't even make eye contact with the camera."


On the meek inheriting the earth

Richard: "For thousands of years, guys like us have gotten the shit kicked out of us. But now, for the first time, we're living in an era when we can be in charge. And build empires! We could be the Vikings of our day."